Lessons Learned The Hard Way

I never really know what I am going to find when I pull out an old notebook. I am about to place a Mary Kay order and my aunt asked me to look up a color eyeshadow and lipliner she used a few years ago, so I went to my notebook that held all my MK order stuff. I kept a list of the regular products my customers used so I could keep those products in stock. I haven't kept stock for a while, so it's been at least three to four years since I have been in this notebook. As I was looking through the pages for my aunts favorite stuff I discovered a list I had made in the back of this notebook's pages titled, Lessons Learned the Hard Way. It might have been up to seven years ago that this list was made.

So I thought I would share: (paranthesis and italics not in original list)

Lessons Learned the Hard Way 

1. Parents are not stupid

2. Teenage and young adult men usually are "dogs" (yet they will rise to the bar if the ladies will set them)

3. Love is not a feeling, it is a choice

4. Your sins really do find you out

5. Actions do have consequences

6. Marriage is work

7. Sex is for one woman and one man in marriage for one life

8. Real intimacy comes through communication and trust not sex

9. A guy cannot make me whole

10. A baby cannot make me whole

11. The borrower truly is slave to the lender

12. Friends usually are not "friends forever" (but there truly can be a forever faithful few in your life)

13. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder (physical absence with present consistent communication yes, but absence with zero communication, I still think no) 

14. The love of money really is the root of all evil

15. If your parents tell you they love you and never put you down in any way count your blessings (I never realized how special my parents were until I began ministering to youth through the Pregnancy Resource Center)

16. High School is really only a very very very small part of our entire life

17. God's way is the best way

18. Labor and delivery is the easy part

19. People are naturally bad we have to be taught how to be good and then choose to walk in it

20. Abortion is murder to an unborn child and a mother's spirit

21. Dating is overrated

22. Bad company does corrupt good morals

23. What you watch and hear does affect how you think and your thoughts eventually become your actions

24. I don't have all the answers

25. I am far from perfect and have too many logs in my own eye to condemn you over the splinter in yours

26. The devil is real and he does not like me

27. Jesus is real and he forgives completely those who ask and mean it and walk away from what they asked forgiveness for

28. You cannot hide from God

29. Words do hurt

So got any hard learned lessons to add to the list? 

If so add away :-)  

Tongue Taming

Death and life are in the power of the tongue,
And those who love it will eat its fruit.

Proverbs 18:21

As I serve in ministry in the church and share with others outside the church the most common complaint against the church, the most ready reason for not attending or getting involved in church, and the most heralded hurt that happens in the church, seems to be rooted in words. 

The words of a whisperer are like dainty morsels,
And they go down into the innermost parts of the body.

Proverbs 18:8

Whether it be gossip or just others using their words as a weapon or even worse taking God's Word and twisting it and using it as a weapon to hurt another person. This weapon is to be used to defeat the spiritual forces of darkness it is not to be unsheathed to defeat and destroy man or as an attempt to beat someone down. The Word is to be used in love not in spite and not in a spirit of superiority.

How long will you torment me
And crush me with words?

Job 19:2

We ladies have been given the stereotype of "gossipers", yet please know that I am well aware that men are just as gossipy. Male and female, we need to watch what we say and we also need to be careful what and who we choose to listen to...even if, no especially if, we personally know we don't believe a word they say... 

An evildoer listens to wicked lips;
A liar pays attention to a destructive tongue.

Proverbs 17:4

This is the way of the world...

...we live in a day of hearsay, when few people pass along information that is precise and reliable. Do you? Are you careful about what you say? Do you have the facts? Do you offer proof that the information you are conveying is correct? While there are occasions when it's appropriate to pass along needed and serious information to the right sources, there's a growing preoccupation with rumor and slander. Half truths and innuendos become juicy morsels in the mouths of unreliable gossips. There is no way to measure the number of people who have been hurt by rumor, exaggeration, and hearsay.

Perhaps you have suffered this yourself.

Be careful what you say. Be careful how you say it. Be careful that you send the right message, that you send it to the right person, and that you do so with the right motive. ~ Swindoll

My husband and I have often discussed that one of the hardest parts of parenting is teaching our children how to discern between "need shared information" and "tattle-telling". We have tried to teach them when and as the opportunity arises because we just have not discovered another way to get the point across.

One thing we do is ask them to seek out the reason they are sharing the information they are sharing.

Is it just to get someone caught and in trouble?

Is this something that will hurt this person if not shared?

Is this something that the person asked you not to share?

And if they did why and would you want them to share this on you?

And if you are sharing it, why are you sharing it?

Is it just to show what you know about them?

Or is it because you know they need help concerning what they shared and you know you can't help?

Are you sharing up or side to side?

We try to teach them that there will be times in their own lives that they will want someone to keep a secret for them. There are times when we can address an issue with an individual and correct them and keep it all between them and us. And if they are truly sharing to help someone, they will share up, not side to side. Which means they will share with someone who has the power to help not just another "friend" who can do nothing.

We try to teach our girls that they need to be each others best friends not each others worst enemies. An enemy seeks to get you caught, a friend seeks to help you out of the trap. An enemy wants to throw you in the fire, while a friend seeks to snatch you from the fire. An enemy will reveal your secret to hurt you, yet a friend only reveals when they realize it is the only way they can get help.

There is a time to keep a secret.

I love what Swindoll says in the following quote,

There is an unexplainable air of mystery about a woman, an unpredictability that men find intriguing. Esther's ability to restrain herself only heightens the mystery---especially her verbal restraint. She knew much more than she told. She could keep a secret. Verbal restraint is fast becoming a forgotten virtue. ~ Swindoll

A woman who can control her tongue is indeed a woman of virtue.

Ladies are you a friend who can keep a secret?

Can you be trusted with the hurts and failures and frustrations of another without passing judgment or without fueling a fire?

Are you still stuck in the toddler/child cycle of the tattle-tale?

Can someone come to you and share their hurts or are you the one that causes others to cringe because they know you just saw them fail, falter, or stumble?

Can you correct, rebuke, exhort, and keep it between you and them?

Or do you always feel the need to share what you saw, what you did, what you know?

Learn to keep confidences. Come to be known for keeping secrets! It's part of having character marked by strength and dignity. ~ Swindoll

Taming the tongue...

A soothing tongue is a tree of life,
But perversion in it crushes the spirit.
Proverbs 15:4

She opens her mouth in wisdom,
And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

Proverbs 31:26

But it's more than just speaking in truth and with kindness, it's also knowing when not to speak.

I read a quote somewhere that said something like, "never miss a good opportunity to shut up".

When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable,
But he who restrains his lips is wise.

Proverbs 10:19

The damage that has been done in and outside of the church, in families, in friendships, in workplaces, and even in our nation, over hear-say and over sharing information that needed not be shared... oh my it's massive.

O LORD, who may abide in Your tent?
Who may dwell on Your holy hill?

He who walks with integrity, and works righteousness,
And speaks truth in his heart.
He does not slander with his tongue,
Nor does evil to his neighbor,
Nor takes up a reproach against his friend;

Proverbs 15:2-3

I know the hurt of words well...

I imagine most of us do.

May we learn from our own hurts and make the choice to not use our own words to hurt another the way we have been hurt ourselves.

Dragging...

So I have not posted since... the 12th I think, that was last Wednesday. That's pretty unusual for me. I am usually a daily poster, but the past few days have been quite dragging. I am in a place today of feeling like a weight is baring down on me. It's a strange tired. It's a tired that I usually can shake out of, but today it has lingered on.

Ever had those days?

It's not a blah day really, it's truly an unseen heaviness.

It could simply be that thirty-five is creeping up on me and I am feeling the weight of too many nights in a row of not getting in bed before midnight... 

It could be that I am still in the hormone slump of my female stuff, as I continue on. I find myself anaemic quite often...

Or it could be the spiritual oppression that always hits around this time of year. The enemy of my soul always seems to up his anty during my church's fall drama The Judgment Seat. It is well under way, opening night is two weeks from today.

Either way... I have been short with my girls for no real apparent reasons and I don't like myself at all right now. I feel tired, weary, heavy, and grumpy. My shoulders are slumped and my back is not straight and my head is not held high. I am by no means at this moment rejoicing in the Lord, or counting anything all joy, I most certainly could not be a light to anyone in this state of my flesh.

So as I shove down my second cup of coffee and pour my third in a carry-out cup, we head out the door for basketball practice...

Tonight I think I will plan to be in the bed before midnight, no matter what gets left undone.

Cultivating Character

Encouraging the cultivation of character is exactly what wise parents do, nudging, urging their children toward maturity. As a parent, you have occasions in your life, brief vignettes, little windows of time, where you can step forward and help your children to understand the value of being brave. As they grow up and those hands-on occasions change to a more distant relationship, you must call upon your children to stand for what they believe, even if they must stand alone---and then trust them to do it without you alongside.
~ Swindoll

We had an eventful morning in the Vaughn household. My girls are playing basketball. We are playing in the area that we will be living in when our house sells. We began playing ball in this area this past spring. We received a phone call this morning that our girls would not be allowed to continue to play due to our current address. 

Oh I was heartbroke.

You see my girls missed basketball season last year because they spent it in the hospital and at my mom's helping take care of their Aunt Tracy. My girls were wonderful if I do say so myself. They spent many days doing school in the STICU waiting room and then willingly were drug to my mom's to do school in her kitchen while I cared for my sister. They got to see how a family takes care of each other and they loved being a part of it, even if it was just running up stairs to get a towel or holding a drink for my sister. They were not bitter at all, they understood when I explained how Aunt Tracy needed us now and basketball would be there next season.

So they were so excited to be playing this year. They had met there coach, their team, ordered uniforms, and had a practice... they were crushed when I delivered the news...

Now my first response in feelings was anger, then hurt, then deception. I thought, no I said, just let me refill out the paperwork I will put my parent's address. I was ready to reach into my roledex and pull out whatever names I needed to in order to keep my girls on that team.

Then I knew that the only name I needed to pull out was Jesus Christ.

So I went to my girls and we stood in the middle of our living room and we held hands and we prayed. We prayed that God would open the doors for them to be able to play if it was His will. We prayed that He would do it according to the rules with no manipulation on my part. We prayed also that He would sell our house so we wouldn't have to go through this again. We prayed that His will be done, and we said in Jesus name, and amen, and we began school.

Not even an hour later the phone rings.

Guess what? There is no 9-10 yr old girls basketball team in our current area so according to the rules Shelby could play any where she wanted! And also according to the rules Bekah could play up on Shelby's team!!

I could not wait to tell my girls. I cried and looked up to my God and told Him, Thank You!!!

I came in and shared the God-news with my girls and Shelby ran and jumped in my arms and Bekah joyfully exclaimed, "Momma, God answered us quick!"

Oh how good He is!!

How thankful I am that God convicted my heart to turn this over to Him and trust Him with it. In doing so He used it as an awesome opportunity to display His glory, His love, His concern, and His realness to His girls!

Train up a child in the way he should go,
Even when he is old he will not depart from it.

Proverbs 22:6

Ugh Nightmares!

When I was younger I used to be able to handle the "scary movie" or at least I thought I was handling them anyway. I remember one that I used to watch that was called Nightmare on Elm Street. These "nightmares" centered around blood and gore and other just really gross stuff. This was Hollywood's idea of a nightmare.

As a grown woman and a mother of three I learned along time ago that real life was scary enough, I did not need Hollywood helping me out in the nightmare area. My own mind was sufficient enough to scare me to death. I certainly did not need to visit Freddie, Michael, Jason, or the Candyman to have the snot scared out of me. I also know there are demons, they are real, the Bible tells me that plainly. I don't need Hollywood's depiction of them, I'll just take God's word and I'll learn from those who have been a part of casting them out, not glorifying them for money.

Last night I had one of my scariest nightmares, this is a repeated one, but it comes in different forms, but it's the same theme. I am in a busy place with my girls, last night it reminded me of New Orleans, but it was a festival time, there were acrobats and those people that juggle while walking on really tall stilts, and people everywhere. I had both my girls and we were trying to find something or someone, I don't remember, all I remember is looking down and Bekah was gone.

I then hit panic. I take a death grip on Shelby as I look frantically for Bekah, then I turn around and I now have my nieces and nephews and even some of the kids from our church with me. I want to run to find Bekah, but I can't now because the rest of the children with me wouldn't be able to keep up and I fear losing one of them. I finally begin to scream Bekah's name and the place just seems to magnify in size and the crowd of people multiplies, my heart is pounding, and I can't breathe, and at the same time I don't want to scare or lose the other children.

Finally something in me begins to register and I think "Oh God let this be a dream, please let it be a dream!" I manage to wake myself up and look and my Bekah and my Shelby are safe in the bed asleep.

Deep sigh of relief...

Yes, I still had to look at them before my heart stopped pounding. Just waking and discovering I was in a dream was not enough. I wanted physical evidence that they were safe under my wing.

As a wife and mother, this is my nightmare.

I do not fear to the point of nightmares about my child being sick or hurt, I do not want them sick or hurt, but this does not cause me to wake up in a heart pounding cold sweat. However, losing my children, having someone steal my children, this is my nightmare. I can't stand the thought of it. This indeed gives me nights filled with sheer terror.

When David arose in the morning,

the word of the LORD came to the prophet Gad,

David’s seer, saying,  “Go and speak to David,

‘Thus the LORD says, “I am offering you three things;

choose for yourself one of them, which I will do to you.”’

So Gad came to David and told him,

and said to him,

“Shall seven years of famine come to you in your land?

Or will you flee three months before your foes while they pursue you?

Or shall there be three days’ pestilence in your land?

Now consider and see
what answer I shall return to Him who sent me.” 

Then David said to Gad,

“I am in great distress.

Let us now fall into the hand of the LORD

for His mercies are great,

but do not let me fall into the hand of man.”

2 Samuel 24:11-14

This is one of my prayers to my God. "Father, please let my children fall into Your hands, for Your mercy is great, please do not let them fall into the hands of man." For me there is no worse thing than to not know where my children are or who has them.

It's just not natural for a mother to not have all her chicks under her wing. This is why the hen will peck your eyes out and the dog bite your hand off and the bear knock your head off. Don't mess with the babies! 

Ecclesiastes 3:3 says...

A time to kill and a time to heal;
A time to tear down and a time to build up.

I joke that this momma will have a prison ministry if anyone ever lays a hand on one of my babies... but then again not so sure I am really joking. 

One Fine Day

Oh me... it's ball season again.

Two kids on two different teams... two new different schedules to add to an already crazy calendar.

This is life.

You know there are those days that flow wonderfully and I look back on those days and I think, if I could do this that day why can't I manage it everyday?

I should have known today would be "one fine day" when the strange dog started barking right outside our front door before daylight, which started our inside dog barking before daylight, which woke up our 7 yr old before daylight.

I put the 7 year old back to bed, let the inside dog out to run off the strange outside dog then brought the inside dog back in and locked the doors and tried to be still for my quiet time with God before... well... my "quiet time before the house wakes up" just wasn't going to happen on this fine day.   

Monday is co-op day. Love, love it! But it also means having me and my girls dressed and ready and packed and loaded down with whatever we need for the day and out the door by hopefully 8am. This usually is not that big of an issue, but today we added basketball season to our calendar.

Of course, my girls have to go and grow on us so we needed basketball shoes... and we needed a cop costume, because my Bekah had decided she must be a cop.

So after co-op set-up, co-op classes, and co-op break-down, we head out for shoes and costumes, finishing in just enough time to get to the first ball practice that ended at 6pm, then literally run out when it's over to get across town to another gym for the second ball practice that had started at 6pm.

Of course we get there and can't find the team... and why not? Well because this one's practice is tomorrow night... and now I clearly remember writing that on the calendar at home... oh well.  

Did I mention the husband left to go out of town this morning for the week as well...
Oh and yeh... it's hell week... again, ugh... so my temperament and patience... well lots of deep breaths today.

Yep, one fine day.

I think I might have managed to get through it without scarring my children too much with all the "pick a costume already!" and the "Look we'll leave without one, I really am not all that excited about spending money on a costume you are going to wear maybe one time anyway, it'll suit me just fine to walk out with nadda."    

I mean good grief have you seen these costumes??? Fish-net stocking fire women for an 8-10 yr old little girl??? Really? And the nurse? My goodness, I looked at my Shelby and said, "You can be a real fireman, but sorry not a fish-net stocking one and ummm as for the nurse, does Aunt Tracy wear that to work? Yeh, I didn't think so."

So we left with one cop and one dragon slaying dazzling ninja.  
Made it to one ball practice.
Made it late to the other, to find out we didn't have it all.

Then as I am still contemplating on whether to pout about my time mismanagement skills or just be glad I am going to get home an hour and half earlier than I expected, we had a momma deer and her spotted fawn step out of the woods into the road and stop right in front of our car. I had to come to a complete stop and my girls and I just watched this doe and her fawn and we all just giggled and smiled all the rest of the way home.

Yep, one fine day :-)

Hurt By The Church

Okay we are going back to the journal, today we are visiting April 17th, 2003. I am just going to share an excerpt here because this entry was a doozy!

Father, 
I need You so much right now. I feel like I am under attack from every angle. Since I committed to Save-A-Life it seems like everyone is out for me. You know the situation with *****. I just want to say How Dare You, Do You Have A Clue What I've Gone Through Just To Be Here At All? but I know that is my flesh and I need to ignore it, but that doesn't make it any easier... 
I love You Lord and I trust in You.
In Jesus Name,
Amen

Whew, in this entry I was one hurting young lady. I remember the tears that flowed as I penned this prayer to my God. As I said, this was just the beginning, a small excerpt, of the hurts that I poured out that day in the pages of my journal.

One of these great hurts was coming from someone in my church. I had just been reprimanded for being late and due to this day I quit teaching the class that I was over. I was devastated and humiliated. Of course what the one who did the reprimanding saw was just me coming in late. What they didn't see was the fact that I was a young mother who had a baby that had not slept more than 45 minutes at a time since birth and I had a husband who worked night shift and did not attend church regularly with me at that time. I also worked outside the home part-time.

I was worn out and doing the best I could. I had a desire to serve and to teach and to be an active serving part of the church and at this moment I could have said fine see if I'll be back ever. But that was not the call I made.

I chose grace.

I was hurt, but I chose forgiveness.

And the thing is the one who made this reprimand is to this day one of the dearest people I have ever known and I love them greatly still.

They were not evil. They were not out to get me. The enemy attempted to set up destruction, but he failed, and the love of God prevailed. I still continued in my church and continued teaching my other class.

Had I walked away from God and His church at this time in 2003... oh my the blessings I would have missed! The friendships I would have never gained, the eternal lives I would have never been a part of, the opportunities to love, laugh, cry, encourage, serve, grow... all missed if I had of chosen to hold this hurt in bitterness and throw my hands in the air and turn my back to the church.

I wish I could say this was the last hurt I ever experienced in the church, but it's not. I've lost count of the times I have been on my face before God in tears over the hurt delivered to me through someone in the church, in my church, the one I am still a member in. We just don't leave because of hurt feelings, because this is where God has planted me and my family. Feelings lie. Feelings don't see the whole picture. They are selfish and nearsighted and prone to exaggerate and manipulate.

Jesus does not forsake me because I have hurt His feelings... so I shall not forsake Him because someone in His body hurt mine. His body is immature and in a growth process. It's not attained perfection yet, it's not complete yet, there is still lots of growing up to do in the church and if the parts of the body keep forsaking the body then how on earth is it ever to grow up?

And He gave some as apostles, and some as prophets, and some as evangelists, and some as pastors and teachers, for the equipping of the saints for the work of service, to the building up of the body of Christ; until we all attain to the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a mature man, to the measure of the stature which belongs to the fullness of Christ. As a result, we are no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful scheming; but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ, from whom the whole body, being fitted and held together by what every joint supplies, according to the proper working of each individual part, causes the growth of the body for the building up of itself in love.

Ephesians 4:11-16

If the joints and ligaments keep checking out because of a bout of arthritis the body is never going to get anywhere. We don't forsake our earthly bodies because a part of it is hurting us and not working right so why should we forsake our spiritual body because it's hurting us and not working right? When it's our physical body we try to get to the bottom of the hurt and fix hit, we don't just walk away from it.

I can guarantee you that if you regularly and actively attend a fellowship of believers at some point and time someone will hurt you.

It's a family.

Families hurt each other sometimes- but the love always outweighs the hurt.

To share a quote about the home:

A true home is one of the most sacred of places. It is a sanctuary into which men flee from the world’s perils and alarms. It is a resting-place to which at close of day the weary retire to gather new strength for the battle and toils of tomorrow. It is the place where love learns its lessons, where life is schooled into discipline and strength, where character is molded. ~ J.R. Miller

There is a reason we say "This is my church home"

If we can't learn to model and give grace and mercy and forgiveness and love within the church to fellow believers, how on earth do we expect to learn to give it to those who are lost and know God not?

Before you leave a church because you have been hurt by the church... seek God.

Ask Him to give you eyes to see past what your flesh feels.

Bring the hurt to Him.

Seek Him in His Word.

Talk to a trusted believer who will not begin a gossip ring, but will speak truth to you and keep your confidence.

Whatever you do, don't just leave to be leaving.

Then Peter came and said to Him,

“Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me

 and I forgive him?

Up to seven times?” 

Jesus said to him,

“I do not say to you, up to seven times,

 but up to seventy times seven.

Matthew 18:21-22

Let us also not forget that we were told that there would be tares among the wheat until the day Christ comes to reap.

Jesus presented another parable to them, saying,

“The kingdom of heaven may be compared to a man who sowed good seed in his field. But while his men were sleeping, his enemy came and sowed tares among the wheat, and went away. But when the wheat sprouted and bore grain, then the tares became evident also.  The slaves of the landowner came and said to him, ‘Sir, did you not sow good seed in your field? How then does it have tares?’ And he said to them, ‘An enemy has done this!’ The slaves said to him, ‘Do you want us, then, to go and gather them up?’ But he said, ‘No; for while you are gathering up the tares, you may uproot the wheat with them. Allow both to grow together until the harvest; and in the time of the harvest I will say to the reapers, “First gather up the tares and bind them in bundles to burn them up; but gather the wheat into my barn.”

Matthew 13:24:30