Saturday, September 17, 2011

Running Behind Ramblings

I had so many plans for today. I was going to finish up my Spiritual Gifts and Isaiah lessons. I needed to be at the bank before noon and then wanted to go to the church and get my white board ready for tomorrow morning's lesson and also was going to work on some CrossRoads Homeschool Co-Op stuff and then be back home in time to fix dinner for my husband before he left for the night shift and then planned to head on over to hear my in-laws awesome bluegrass band pick up a storm.

I had been working on my Isaiah lesson and came in the house at my first stopping point and realized that I was running way behind when I saw that it was already after 12:30pm. I didn't make it out of the house until 7pm to shoot down to hear some bluegrass and then back home by 8pm to get the girls a goodnight snack, a bath, and into bed.

Tomorrow night I will teach the last lesson in a combined 23 week Precept Upon Precept  class on the book of Isaiah (I highly recommend this study. It is very relevant to the state of today's American church.). This last lesson will be on Isaiah 64-66. For some reason it has taken me all day to plan this last one hour lesson. I have no clue why.

This lesson completely consumed this Saturday. This after having spent hours through the week pouring over these chapters, they are indeed heavy chapters.

I love teaching the Word of God. It is an honor that I do not take lightly, whether I am teaching a room full of pre-schoolers or a Precept class filled with adult men and women who have been following the Lord much longer than me.

Hear the word of the LORD,
you who tremble at His word:
Isaiah 66:5

I tremble with the responsibility of accurately handling this Word of Truth. I quake in my gut and break out in cold sweats and stuttered speech. I teach in fear and awe of my God and pray that as I stand up there that He is glorified. I do love teaching the Word, but it is truly terrifing to me...

I believe that I can honestly say that at least once a week I tell God that I am done. I tell Him that I cannot do this anymore. I tell Him that I think He's got the wrong girl. I have even gone so far as to put together my "I quit" speech to deliver to our minister of education... but God just will not have it. For some reason He thinks He's boss and I am supposed to do what He says in spite of what I think I want... hmmmm imagine that.

But if I say, “I will not remember Him
Or speak anymore in His name,”
Then in my heart it becomes like a burning fire
Shut up in my bones;
And I am weary of holding it in,
And I cannot endure it.
Jeremiah 20:9

You see the thing is I couldn't quit. Because when I try to be silent, like Jeremiah my heart sets aflame and my chest tightens and my teeth clench and Scripture verses flood my mind until finally they spill out of the mouth that I was trying so hard to keep shut tight. I just can't help myself.

So today as I struggled through this lesson prep the "I quit" speech came to mind. Then the tears came as I looked at the joy that was set before me... finishing the race. Fighting the good fight. Accomplishing the mission of completing this in depth study of the prophet most quoted by my Savior. Knowing that God has just placed an arsenal in my mind that the Holy Spirit will use to defeat, deflect, and destroy lies for years to come. 

It was not easy. 
It was indeed work.
It required much effort and time. 
It required the sacrifice of other things in order to accomplish.

However, it was eternally worth it.  

Now as I complete Isaiah, I continue with the Precept Upon Precept study on spiritual gifts... and as I studied this week in Romans 12:1-8 and 1 Peter 4:7-11, I know even more strongly why the "I quit" speech will never be delivered.

My gift is teaching. This is my spiritual act of worship. For me not to teach is not to worship God and it is not to serve Him or His body. This is what the Holy Spirit has chosen for me.
I didn't pick it. It is God's choice, not mine. God's will, not mine. I must employ what He has gifted me with that I might be a good steward of His grace. To not teach is to throw my God's grace back in His face.
So I teach. I teach with fear and trembling at His Word and I pray that it is only the utterances of God that come forth from my mouth so that Christ might be glorified.

The lesson finally was planned, though nothing else got accomplished as planned, and I sit here now typing, when I need to be sweeping the dog hair up out of the floor and tucking my girls in the bed and debating on whether or not I am going to click the "publish now" button for this post or just add it to my list of drafts... and yes desiring to go over the lessons for tomorrow one more time.  

But I am going to bed and will trust God to work in and through me tomorrow and the next day and the next and the next for it is not by might, nor by power, but by His Spirit sayeth the Lord.  

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