I have out the journals. Now these journal entries will be shared with the utmost discretion. My mother and close friends have been told of there whereabouts and have been instructed that if the Lord so wills to bring me home in a quick manner they are to burn these journals before they are read by anyone. You see they hold my insanity. I learned a long time ago that if I would put my emotions on paper, in writing, it cleared my head and my heart and helped me to think more rationally. In my Christian walk I have learned that I can stop Satan's lies if I put them down on paper and then hold them up to the Word of God. So many times I don't even realize it is a lie of that serpent of old until I see it in writing.
I have open in my lap now a journal entry from January 23, 2002. At this point I had been a wife for two and a half years, a step-mother for two and a half years, a mother for seven months, and a newly wholly surrendered believer for one month.
My prayer in my journal on January 23, 2002...
"Lord I pray that You will teach me to submit to my husband. I pray that you will help me bite my tongue and my pride so that I will live more according to Your will. You are the Almighty God who in all things are possible so I know You can do this! "I can do everything through Him who gives me strength" (Phil 4:13) "Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children,to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the Word of God." (Titus 2:4-5)"
My prayer in my journal on January 24, 2002...
"I pray that You will continue to speak to my heart and I pray that I will hear Your words. I also pray that You'll help me to submit to Patrick, Lord I will have a hard struggle with this and I need Your hand on this situation because I don't believe I really know how to submit. Father, I just want to make You proud!"
I find it absolutely not a coincidence that the first area that God opened my eyes to was my marriage and my place in it. You see I was a hard-hearted woman. I had lost faith in men as a whole. I was a jaded, independent, self-sufficient, stubborn red-headed Halbrooks. I needed no one, so I thought. When I married I told myself and others that I would never be a "kept" woman. I depended on no one but myself and really trusted no one, including my husband. My husband telling me as much was what shook me to the point of picking up my Bible again.
The first small group class that the Lord put me in was Manna for Moms and Sue Fallin was the teacher. The first class I recall sitting through was on submission, and I remember well my neck stiffening and my back straightening in defiance to what she was saying. I believe I even had a little snitful comment to make about it also. However, she spoke truth, and it is the truth that sets you free. So I have spent the last twelve years learning how to submit to my husband. This is not a 6 week, 12 step, fix it and forget it subject. This is a learn as you go till death do you part subject.
I thank God for the godly women that He has placed in my life. He surrounded me with Titus 2:4-5. He placed me with those who could teach me how to love my husband and my children. I could learn from them and I am so glad that I have chosen to listen. I know that I am not there yet, I could probably turn to my 2011 journal and find an entry that once again cries out to God to help me submit to my husband.
If I can give a word of advice to any married couple it would be this: If you are struggling in anyway in your marriage (and by the way if you are not struggling now I can almost bet there will come a day that you will, it's just life and love) make a connection with a couple that has succeeded. Find that couple that after 30, 40, 50 years together they still hold hands when they walk out of church or smile at each other and compliment each other. You can see their love and commitment to each other and to the Lord in their eyes. Find them, and talk with them, and listen and learn from them.