Carry the Name

I have made lots of decisions without ever consulting the Lord. Before December 9, 2001 it never even occurred to me to seek God's advice in anything. The only time I prayed was when I wanted Him to do something for me and it was never to seek His will, just to get me out of this mess the way I thought He should do it. This prayer was usually a time that I would attempt to bargain with God.

You know the classic, "Dear God if you will do this then I will do that... I promise!"  

You see I didn't know God well enough to seek Him before I made the bad decision that I was now asking Him to fix. Pro-active prayer was not on my mind at all. I just went through life as I wished and expected Him to do what I wanted Him to when I asked Him to do it. Then I would discount His existence and reality when He failed to comply to my demands. 

Wow... yeh... I had alot to learn...
How very thankful I am for the patience of my Creator and Eternal Father.

I wish I could say that after December 9, 2011 I finally got it. Nope. Not!
However, the learning process had finally begun. I finally had stopped and said, "God, I am missing it and I know it. Please teach me!"

Even as a (to the best of my known ability) fully surrendered bond-servant of Christ I have made decisions without consulting God first. How easy it is to think this is what I am going to do and I don't need to pray about it. Most of the worst ones were in my early times of learning but I catch myself still falling into this trap.

The one that weighs the heaviest on me to this day is the decision to have my tubes tied. Today as I consider this decision I cringe. I had been walking with the Lord faithfully for almost three years when I chose this step, yet I know that I never one time asked God if this is what I should do. I just put my foot down, said it was the plan, and delivered my youngest and had them immediately take me back for the tubal.

You see my first child, was a wonderful precious child, that literally did not sleep for almost three years. When I found myself pregnant with my second, I told God He was crazy and was trying to kill me. Before I even knew who my Bekah would be I shut the door on any future consideration of another child. I basically said, "well God I'll take care of this myself"

Now 7 years later I would give anything to take back that decision... or simply to know that it was God's guidance that led me to make it, not this ever present reminder that I never even asked Him what was His will. Now I will never know if He had a son for me, that man-child, to carry my husband's name to a next generation, or another beautiful girl to melt my heart with her giggles of joy.

I have often prayed that God would just take it upon Himself to reverse my decision, to just throw down His Godly gavel and shout Over-ruled! And heal my womb and bless me with life again... but He hasn't. But I love Him still. I will bear the indignation of the LORD and keep this as my reminder to pray in all things.

This morning as I was working in my Isaiah Precept homework I read

"Let not the foreigner who has joined himself to the LORD say,
“The LORD will surely separate me from His people.”
Nor let the eunuch say, “Behold, I am a dry tree.”

  For thus says the LORD,

   “To the eunuchs who keep My sabbaths,
And choose what pleases Me,
And hold fast My covenant, To them I will give in My house and within My walls a memorial,
And a name better than that of sons and daughters;
I will give them an everlasting name which will not be cut off."

Isaiah 56:3-5

You see I have sought my God's forgiveness for this decision of mine. This choice I made without ever asking His will and in His love and true to His unchanging character and His standing forever Word, He has been faithful to forgive me in His mercy.

However, He showed me this morning that although He may not ever reverse my sin. He is going to bless me in spite of it.

In His mercy He has forgiven and in His grace I believe He has said to me...

"Yes, you are as this eunuch, you are dried up, but if you keep My sabbath, if you continue to please Me by your faith and keep My covenant I will give you a name that is better than sons and daughters a name that will never be cut off, and though you may not bear fruit from your womb again, you will bear fruit in and through Me, through My name that you carry."

So even though I may not be allowed or able to carry the name of my husband to the next generation, I am allowed and able to carry the name of Christ to the next generation.

In this I will rejoice, always.

For there is no greater honor than this!