Saturday, November 12, 2011

Kindle Afresh

For this reason I remind you
to kindle afresh the gift of God which is in you
through the laying on of my hands.
1 Timothy 1:6

I read this today in my quiet time... and I think maybe this is where I am right now. I need this gift of God which is in me kindled afresh. I feel drained and it's not a physical drain... it's a spiritual and emotional drain. I need kindled afresh, but I don't know how.

And exactly who lays hands on the female teacher in the southern baptist church?
Who kindles me afresh?

About ten years ago Kay Arthur laid hands on me and prayed over me and I have held on to that for all these years... I have had hands laid on me since then to pray for me during my daughter's illnesses and through life struggles... but I can't recall another time when the gift of God that is in me was kindled afresh by the laying on of hands by anyone in leadership in my church... why is that?

I have been in meetings that have reminded me of my responsibilities, my obligations, and have sat through messages that have reminded me of the burden that I carry as a teacher and how important it is to accurately handle the Word of God... but other than breakfast before a meeting and a thank you for serving as a teacher... that's it.

I have a weight and a great fear of teaching something wrong... because I am still learning myself... I have much opposition against my study time and writing time and I have reached a point that I often wonder if I am in the right place doing the right thing because I often feel so alone...

Here lately the thought of quitting it all and throwing in the towel is ever present... It's a thought that I wrestle with a lot here lately...  Quit teaching. Quit blogging. Quit trying. Just quit.  

Yes I could go to a conference and receive a spiritual boost, but that costs money spent solely on me and time away from home and my responsibilities as wife and mother and keeper of the house... and I don't get a check... so that's just more worry on the bill thing that I don't financially contribute to...

The easy thing to do...

Put the kids back in public school and get a job
(house would stay clean because we would never be in it and could lose/lessen paying bills worry with extra pay check)
Pew sit on Sunday and Wednesday
(lose fear of teaching something wrong and no more struggles over study time and spiritual drain)
Stop writing
(no more frustrations over book sales and/or struggles over writing time and wondering if anyone is even reading)
Become solely focused on husband and children
(that way I might forget that I am an individual with hopes and dreams and desires to be used by God to do amazing things for His kingdom and bring much glory to my Savior)

Hmmmmmm I don't know...
I have dropped teaching responsibilities thinking that I was just on overload... but no, that didn't help.
I have been on several "vacations" one in August when I tagged along on my husband's business trip, September for our family vacation, and now when my girls and I were invited to tag along with my in-laws for my Daddy-in-laws golf tournament... in these I thought if I just "got away" for a while all would come back into perspective... but no, that hasn't helped. 

So whatever I am going through is all me, because no matter what I change externally, my internal chaos remains... I can't get away from me no matter what else I change.

Maybe I am just having a pity party and I need to get over it and suck it up...  
Maybe I am under attack because God is up to something and moving and Satan is busy distracting...
Maybe I just need kindled afresh...

So has anyone else been here?

Or am I really just as alone and crazy as I feel right now?


  1. Yeh, so how great is our God... my pity party here in this post... and then encouragement out the whazzoo since that I am exactly where I am supposed to be doing exactly what I am supposed to do in this season of life... :-)

  2. Some awsome words about feeling alone in our struggles...