Monday, December 5, 2011

My Salvation Experience

Looking back again along with a couple of new thoughts...

December 9th will be my 10th "born again" birthday!  

This comes from a FB Note I wrote on August 3rd, 2009...

On November 9th in the year 1992, at the age of 15, I wrote the following as someone who thought she was saved :


Depression lingers on my soul
I'm falling deep, too deep under his control
I don't understand my actions
I'm hurt, I'm scared, I'm shattered
I'm reaching for fulfillment in the wrong places
I'm turning to all the wrong faces
Help me Lord to straighten my life
Help me to handle these strifes
Words come out of my mouth I don't mean
Obsenities, temptations, even in my dreams
If I don't turn around now there's no telling how far I'd go
Straight to hell, more than likely, as far as I know
Help me Lord to withstand the temptations
Help me to fight these implications
I want to get drunk, get high, get laid
Yet all of these things I look upon with disdain
I feel fat, ugly, inferior, and rejected
Are these true or do I stand corrected?
Help me Lord to see a portrait of myself
Am I really worthless or of some importance?
Help me Lord I need to know
Help me I need you so.

Two years later on October 2nd in the year 1997, at the age of 17, I wrote the following:

"The Battle"

Strange and undescribable feelings float through my heart and soul
Are they feelings of guilt, of needing to change my life?
I really don't know
They only come to me at night,
When it's time to turn out the lights,
When you stop to think,
When you analyze your life,
When you think of the future,
When you wonder what's in store.
They feel sort of like nervous butterflies fluttering around in my gut.
It bothers me because I can't figure out what they're for.
They come to me often.
They have for years.
Making me feel uncomfortable and scared to fall asleep.
Scared because it's a feeling like the end.
A feeling like I won't awake.
Like this is my last night on earth,
Yet so far I always do.
Should I worry about these feelings,
Take them as a premonision,
Or do I just ignore?
They feel as if they are my demons
That have seeped into my soul.
Yet they feel as if they are the Lord
Trying to save my soul.
Possibly it is a battle,
A battle between the two,
That has been raging through my conscience
That has always been at war,
Each one fighting for control.
One fighting for truth and good,
The other for the evils that I can do.
Each one trying to pull me his way
Yet it seems between them I sway.
Once wanting to live right and mend and stop my mistakes
Then doing the wrong without it bothering me at all
Not at all until these feelings come
Making me stop and review
Making me want to slap myself for the stupid things I do.
When I am alone I apologize for my sins
Seeing them as wrong and knowing this completely
Yet each time I step outside and enter the world
I push these apologies aside
And do again what I've begged forgiveness for.
I don't believe I'll ever understand
I don't think I'll ever get control
I feel as if I will always be at war.
I guess I need more strength
I need more room to grow
I need more self-respect
I need myself to get to know
I must decide what's important
And get rid of what needs to go.

I wrote these poems having never read the book of Romans. If you read the struggle the one called "I" is going through in Romans 7:14-24, you will see that it is the exact struggle that I was going through. That I continued to go through until December 9th 2001.

You see just like this "I", I was a sold into bondage to sin (Rom 7:14). I didn't understand why I wanted to do good but couldn't and why I didn't want to do evil, but couldn't stop myself (Rom 7:15). I hated myself.

Like this "I" in Romans 7:22, I knew that the Law of God was good and that I needed to be living according to it, but no matter what I did I could not do it. No matter how many times I "rededicated" my life, I still was a prisoner to the law of sin (Rom 7:23).

You see I was still trying to earn my way to God. I was still trying to obey the Law to be righteous. I was trying to do what the preacher told me to do. I said my prayer. I did the baptism. I followed my religions rules.

I did the works, but oh precious one works without faith is dead (James 2:26).

You see this whole journey had always focused on me. My hurts, my failures, my wrongs, my sins, it was always about the fear of hell, the fear of not being accepted, the fear of not measuring up.

Oh but precious one, God had me, He never gave up on me. In my last poem I wrote that I needed "myself to get to know", and that's exactly what God was doing. He was letting me see myself for who I really was. A slave to sin.

The whole time I kept calling out to Him, and the whole time He kept drawing me unto Himself. Then one day it finally hit me. Listening to the testimony of a godly woman it hit me. It wasn't just about my sins, it wasn't just about getting rid of guilt, it was about Him. It was about turning away from anything that would keep me from Him even if that meant my very self.

Suddenly nothing else mattered but HIM. I wanted nothing but to know HIM and to be known by HIM. I didn't care if I had a "perfect" life. I just wanted to be with God. I just wanted to hear HIS voice. To feel His presence. And at that moment I did! At that moment He saved me. At that moment HIS very presence overwhelmed me and I became a new creation in Christ, the moment I died, I became alive, in Him!!

It was at this moment I was wholly surrendered!

Here's a poem I wrote on July 1st, in the year 2003, 2 years after becoming free:

"Independance Day"

Once a slave in bondage
Captivated by sin
Once a puppet controlled
by the evil within
Once defeated, beat down,
by choices made
Once weak, once weary
intimidated, afraid
Once ashamed, and disgraced
and doomed to die
Once dead in my sin
Now brought to life!
Glory, Halleluia, Praises to His name
Glory, Halleluia, it's Independance Day!
The battle is over
the Victory is won
I now have freedom
by faith in the Son
The shackles are loosed
Christ tore them away
No longer controlled, no longer a slave
No longer defeated, No longer abhored
For greater is He that is in me
Than he that is in the world
Glory, Halleluia, Praises to His name
Glory, Halleluia, it's Independance Day
Free at last, free at last
Thank God Almighty I am free at last
Free to sing, free to dance
Free from the pain of mistakes of the past
No more shame, no more fear
no more emptiness within
No more bitterness, no more hate
I am filled by HIM
I saw the Light at the cross
I fell at His feet
I gave Him all my burdens
He allowed me to weep
I cried out all my fear
I cried out all my sins
He gave me forgiveness
He gave me a new chance to begin
Glory, Halleluia, Praises to His name
Glory, Halleluia, it's Independance Day!
In Christ is our freedom
In Jesus is our peace
From lasting to everlasting
From the west to the east
From mountain to valley
From sea to shining sea
I live, I live!

Because Jesus died for me.

You see (I believe) the "I" in Romans 7:14-25 was not a believer. He was still a prisoner to the law of sin, sold into bondage, evil present within him, sin dwelling in him. This (to me) DOES NOT describe a (born again) believer. Paul made it perfectly clear to us in Romans 6 that if we have been justified by faith in Christ, then we have died to sin. We have been baptized into His death, our old nature crucified on the cross with HIM, our body of sin done away with, we were buried with Him, and we rose with Him in newness of life, slave to sin no longer. Sin would no longer be our master.

If (I) you claim that this "I" in Romans 7:14-24 is a believer and is still a prisoner of sin, sold into bondage, then (I believe) you claim that Christ did not do enough, (I believe) you null and void Romans 2-6.

In Christ, you are dead to sin and alive to God! Christ is your master, not sin. Sin no longer dwells in you, the Holy Spirit of God does (Romans 8:9). Romans 8:13 states plainly that "for if you are living according to the flesh, you must die;" If you still live your life according to your flesh, then you have never died with Christ...

(You see the question now is... do I now love Christ more than this sin of my flesh... do I love HIM enough to kill this evil that's trying to creep in on me... to curse this fig tree that it might never bear fruit in me or through me again) 

Many need to wake up and realize one of two things, they are completely ignorant of the power that is theirs in Christ, or they are not in Christ at all. "For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God." (Romans 8:14)

When Paul writes that we are dead to Law that does not mean we are lawless, we are dead to the Law, but we are joined to Christ! Joined to Christ to bear fruit to God (Romans 7:4). Too many have a form of godliness, and yet deny the power of Christ.

Thier Christianity is a platform, a label, it's not real. It's a billboard for show, when of course they are the show. I've seen it so much here lately it makes me nauseous. It makes me angry, angry for the way they ruin the reputation of my Savior by their lawlessness, their worldliness, their lies, their hypocrisy, their distortion of the Word of God, twisting it so that they may excuse their living according to their flesh and yet claiming they have eternal life in Christ. Worse than white wash tombs filled with dead man's bones, because they don't even bother to white wash. There is a big difference in not being perfect and being a complete fraud.

As a believer do we sin? Yes, we stumble, we stumble in our pursuit of God. We do not sin because we couldn't help it. If we sin it is a choice, you chose to. We are still in this flesh and we are still in the process of sanctification. Which is Paul's whole point of Romans 7 and being dead to the Law.

Many believe we are justified by Christ, but kept saved by obeying the Law or whatever their religious rules are. Paul is saying no.

You were saved by Christ, and you are sanctified by Christ.
You live by Christ and you are kept by Christ.

You are not made holy by obeying a bunch of rules, you are made holy by obeying the Spirit of God that dwells in you if you are indeed in Christ.
Is there a battle?
Yes there is, but this time, I am not a slave.
Now I am not powerless. Now I am fully equipped, a free child of God, able to have authority over my flesh and whatever temptations come my way. As long as I am walking in the Spirit, I will never fulfill the lusts of the flesh.

Every Christian can have his body under absolute control for God. God has given us the responsibility to rule over all “the temple of the Holy Spirit,” including our thoughts and desires (1 Corinthians 6:19). We are responsible for these, and we must never give way to improper ones. But most of us are much more severe in our judgment of others than we are in judging ourselves. We make excuses for things in ourselves, while we condemn things in the lives of others simply because we are not naturally inclined to do them. ~ Oswald Chambers

Now I groan, awaiting my glorified body. I have been freed from sins power, but still deal with sin's presence, but one day even this battle will be over. Until that day it is our responsibility to "...make no provision for the flesh in regard to its lust" (Romans 13:14)

If you examine yourself and know that you are indeed a child of God according to the Word of God and yet you continue to constantly stumble, check what you're providing your flesh.
Feed your spirit and not your flesh.

Giving Him praise for not leaving me as He found me... but working in me and through me, transforming me and conforming me, more and more into the image of His Son, for His glory, for His excellency, for His will, not mine, for His life, not mine, because He alone is worthy!
Glory to my God and to His Christ, my Savior! 

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