Yesterday morning our little one awoke to a headache and a small temp. Which immediately still sends a rush of panic through my system.
For six straight years she was sick.
Doctor visit after doctor visit ended in treating symptoms because the blood work tests that had been done thus far couldn't pin-point the root issue. She began to become resistant to antibiotics and would end up going on 2 or 3 rounds of different kinds in order to get her better... to just start over again in less than three months.
It was one of those things that you think you are handling well until you wake up one morning doing this:
This was just my arm... it was worse than this on the rest of my body... from head to toe I was covered with a rash that was induced by stress. Stress from "not worrying" about my baby girl...
So this morning when we awoke to her still running a fever, now burning up with a 103 temp, my husband and I catch ourselves convincing each other that it is nothing and she is going to be fine. While all along panic threatens to overtake us both from the memory of those days when one little sniffle would end us up at the hospital. When we couldn't understand what in the world was going on and why no one could figure it out.
How thankful we are for doctors who don't stop until they know that they know. An immune deficiency had beaten our little one down. Once discovered the doctors treated her with a vaccine and we quarantined her to give her body time to heal.
Today what hurts most is when I still see the fear in my baby's eyes that it is beginning again...
It is here that I have learned to return her look of fear with strong confidence that God has her in His very capable hands. When before I had to leave the room and crumble in a heap of tears on the floor from the fear of the unknown and wondering if I was as crazy as I felt everyone else thought I was.
Around 4pm today we decided to go ahead and make a trip to Urgent Care, which revealed that strep has attacked our little one yet again... but we are confident that she will be well again soon. This is the first antibiotic she has had to take since April 2010. She is so much stronger now.
As is her mother...
No stress rash... I learned my lesson on holding on to worry. I had much rather lay it at the altar of mercy and throne of grace than wear it on my flesh.
The past few years I have been through God's-Got-It boot camp. I have learned lessons in God's grace and mercy and sovereignty that I will never forget. They were not fun... but they were most definitely worth it.